40. A Chat About Makeup
I can clearly remember the first time I curled my eyelashes; I stood in front of the mirror of my cousin's vanity as she coaxed me to just press the eyelash curler against my lashes. I did. And I was stunned, my normally so-straight-they-grow-down eyelashes had curved all the way up and brushed against my eyebrow; I was reminded of their presence every time I blinked.
Before then, I hadn't ever put on makeup other than a little bit of eyeliner or lipstick for a wedding. I was fourteen when I first curled my eyelashes, and from there my infatuation with makeup grew. It started off with just mascara, and then lipstick, eyeshadow, concealer, and so on. But even then, makeup was only for special occasions.
I had just turned fifteen when I first wore makeup to school; it was just mascara. I think for a lot of people, at least that I know, fifteen is quite late to have just started out with makeup, but for me, I'm so glad that I started when I did. At the time, I felt really, really good in my own skin, so makeup was just what it was meant to be; an embellishment. I was just wearing it because I wanted to, and only when I wanted to.
But, as time went on, things turned slightly sour. This past school year was the first time I wore makeup every single day. And honestly, for the most part, I really enjoyed it — mostly because I love the routine feeling of getting ready. Except when I didn't. There were some days, usually after having stayed up until 5 am to study for chem, when the thought of caking makeup all over my face made me cringe, and yet I did it anyway.
I'm a big believer in dressing to impress, and I'd carried that into my makeup habits, too. I was so afraid of running into someone I cared about (or told myself I didn't care about) without makeup, that I made sure to have it on at all times. The difference between dressing nicely and having nice makeup at all times is that dressing nicely has never felt like a chore to me. There's no problem with wearing makeup all the time, but there is one with forcing yourself to because you feel like you have to.
Still, I made it through the entire school year without resenting makeup. It wasn't until the summer started that I noticed that perhaps my relationship with makeup was not the healthiest. I made plans with a close friend, and as I got dressed, I realized that the thought of putting on makeup was actually making me cringe. I wanted nothing more than to leave my face bare, but I also felt obligated to put on makeup. I honestly can't tell you why, because this friend would not care even the slightest if my eyelashes had been straight or if my lips weren't painted with lipstick. I put it on anyway, and it felt so gross. I spent the entire time more concerned with how much I regretted putting on all this makeup than appreciating the company of a really good friend.
This is of course a slightly more traumatic way of deciding to wear less makeup, but I don't think I would've made the change if I hadn't been incredibly uncomfortable. So, since that day, I've taken a couple weeks makeup-detox. I still wear makeup to parties, and dinners, and such, just because I'm personally not comfortable going to those kinds of events bare-faced, but other than that I haven't worn makeup in about three weeks. It feels so wonderful to see friends and go to the grocery store and just drive without putting on makeup. I still love it, but I think this'll be good for me. I haven't boycotted it; if I have a spot or if my face looks dull, I'll still put on concealer or blush. The difference is just that in these cases I want to, I don't feel like I need to. However, the one thing I still do nearly every day without fail is curl my eyelashes — I really think that makes the biggest difference.
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