38. People Who Aren't That Into You
I'm warning you right now, this will mostly be a stream-of-consciousness post, so I'm apologizing in advance for any typos or misstatements I might make. That being said, I feel like this is something I have a lot to say about.
Over the past year or so, I've been doing a thorough analysis of the kinds of people I like, and as an archetype it would be "Talented, But Sad, Narcissistic Golden-Child," and that sounds wildly specific, but it's wildly accurate for me in nearly every case. Basically, this person is someone who is either really smart, or really funny, but they're also ridiculously cocky about it (even though it's usually ended up being false confidence). I'm not gonna pretend that I when I was around these people I didn't know that they were problematic and they just sprung it on me; I always knew. And that's why I liked them, which is part of my problem. I always, always, always go after people who I think I should "fix." This is entirely my own fault, and I know it's wrong to treat people like projects, or to "fix" them if they don't want your help. You can't force anyone to become somebody else, but you can avoid getting involved with someone who is really just not gonna be good for you.
So I think to start, we need to identify how you know if this person is someone who isn't all that into you. I think Lucy Moon did a great video on this (you can see it here) but here's my own little guide to it:
- they don't make an effort to contact you first
- or if they do, it's only in the middle of the night (this screams booty call, so get out)
- they haven't told you anything substantial about themself
- they treat you differently depending on whether or not there are other people around
- they flirt with everyone (but aren't exclusive with anyone).
This isn't a comprehensive guide or anything, but it's been pretty accurate in my experience.
Something that needs to be made really clear is that emotional distance is not romantic, and you can't force anyone to love you. I'm guilty of doing this a lot, and some of the things I do I didn't even realize were problematic until I watched Skam (which if you haven't seen, you can watch it here.) I see a lot of my behavior mirrored in Vilde as she pines over William. I know that she's quite a controversial character, but I feel sorry for her, if only because I relate to her. Vilde gets involved with the most aloof boy in the entire school, he dumps her after they sleep together, and she then desperately chases his affection. The whole time she knows that he does not love her, but still she holds onto the hope that deep down he actually cares, and does everything she can to make him want her, including starving herself. She convinces herself that his emotional vacancy is not just him being a jerk, it's the byproduct of a tragic backstory (spoiler alert: it's not, he's just not into her).
If this sounds messed up, it's because it is, and yet, we do this constantly. And I'm not exactly sure how to stop, I think the best thing we can do is to just stop surrounding ourselves with people who aren't interested in who we are, and stop trying to convince people to love us. It's hard, but I think we'll all be happier once we understand that if someone wants to love you, they will, and if they want to talk to you, they will; people make it very clear when they care about you. Also, just keep in mind that it's not your responsibility to save someone who isn't giving you the time of day, always be kind, but you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It's important to know your worth, and I'll tell you this much: you are worth more than a 3 AM "you up?" text.
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