19. Career vs. Hobby

As the ever-so-anxious teenager that I am, one of my greatest fears is whether or not I'll end up in the right career. I would ideally like to be in a job that allows me to help people in some capacity, but I'm struggling to determine exactly what I want to be. I know people who have known what they've wanted to since they were in kindergarten. I, on the other hand, have changed my career goals multiple times a year; whether that's because I secretly believe I can do anything, or nothing, I'm not sure.

I have always, always, always, been a straight-A student. I am the obnoxious kid who cries over a B+. This is not the product of over-ambitious parents, but more so of my own insatiable perfectionism, and perhaps the turbulent nature of my personality. Through elementary school, I was good at everything; I was a gymnast, had many friends, and in the gifted program. School was not a challenge. Then, I arrived upon middle school life, where I was still in the gifted program, but certainly not the best. I was in all honors classes and got all A's, but still there was always the kid who got all A+'s. Middle school was the first time I realized that I was not the best at everything. It was a hard blow, but I came to terms with it eventually; I was not the best, but I was close enough to the top.

Then, I got to high school and learned a new lesson. I was taking all honors classes, once again, some of which were for juniors rather than freshman. I did fine in all of them, getting the same grades I always had, but I was suddenly crushed by the weight that I did not excel at anything. I was not the best, and I was falling off the top tier as well. I would love to say that I have concluded this part of my life and am 100% comfortable in my abilities and knowledge, and do not feel the need to compare myself to others for validation, but as my sophomore year of high school is coming to a close, that would still be a lie. Currently, and for nearly three years now, I have been debating whether I want to pursue a more civil-servant-esque (nurse, doctor, social worker) career, or if I'd like to become a writer.

As I said before, I want to ultimately do something that will be of some benefit to people. I think one of the greatest things you can do in life is to be of service to someone. Nursing does not appeal to me from the medical aspect, I do not care at all for conducting medical research, but for the taking care of people aspect. There is something deeply comforting in making someone else feel comfortable.

Just as well, I have always loved to write; as a child I would write stories of raffle entries, vampires, and haunted school dances. I've always wanted to eventually do something that involved writing, whether that be blogging, writing books, or journalism, but I've never been sure if I was good enough. I do truly believe that good writing changes lives, but there should be great note taken of the word "good" here. I did not until very, very recently, even have the idea that perhaps my writing was good enough to touch someone's heart. Yesterday, however, I learned that I won first place (out of over two hundred entries!!!) in LCPL's It's All Write competition for the piece A Goodbye Letter to My Best Friend. It was truly the first time I felt that maybe (just maybe) I could and would write something that would save a life, or open a mind, or soothe an aching heart.

The question still races in my mind, will writing become my career or will it always be a closely-held hobby? I'm not sure. But perhaps the best way to ease this anxiety is to understand that there is not a single linear path for how my life will turn out, there are infinite possibilities and variations of how everything could pan out. I could be a nurse or a writer, or both, or perhaps neither. Nothing in this post was meant to brag or boast, but for me to really clearly think through how I'm feeling, and to comfort myself in the hope that whether I end up doing heart transplants or touching people's hearts through my writing, I will bring ease to others, and have it within myself.