42. Things Change
Over the past twelve months, I've done a thorough analysis of my relationships, through artwork and in writing. I've tried really hard to find what works and what doesn't, and looked at the causes of certain effects. And since summer has started, I've been doing a lot of personal reflection. For the most part, I do some personal inventory each year in both the summer and the winter, but this year it's been a little more overwhelming.
In delving into the person I am on the inside, I've come to realize that I'm not reflecting that on the outside. The biggest way I'm seeing this is through my clothing. I feel like I went through a huge personal style revolution when I started wearing the hijab three years ago, but since then it's been mostly consistent. Obviously I've swapped out bits and pieces, but until recently the overall aesthetic of my wardrobe has been the same. In the past couple months I've gone through an extreme case of "I have nothing to wear." And it's just a little bit horrible. Until super recently, I would open my closet and not want to wear anything that was in there. I felt unappreciative, but nothing felt like me — getting dressed felt more like putting on a costume. Previously, my style was very flowy, layered, and textured. As of late though, I crave simplicity. I'm really into clean lines and more masculine silhouettes. I've always kind of gravitated towards more muted colors, but I still pushed myself to wear brighter hues. Now though, I really think I understand what colors I like, and what I think works for me, and I'm honestly okay with that being colors like olive or sage green rather than fluorescents.
Another place I've tried to come into myself more is my bedroom. This one, unlike my clothing, has been a long time coming. My room was essentially a relic from my fourth grade self. It's recently been painted, and I've shed things that don't comfort me anymore. My room is still going through a purge, and I need to add a few more key bits and bobs, but it's getting to place where I feel serene in it. Back to my point with colors, the change in color scheme is really helping with that; there's been a huge shift from pink and green to gray and blue. I know for a lot of people the lack of bright colors or bells & whistles (in both my room and my clothes) might be draining, but personally, the over-the-top, hodgepodge display of who I was trying to convince myself I still was, is terribly exhausting.
In fact, within the past few months, this blog has been one of the most soothing and revitalizing things in my life. When it started, I truly feel like I was a different person, and I think you can see that if you look at some older posts on here. I haven't read them in a long time, but I'm almost positive they were over-edited and strangely formal, and because of my annoyance with the way I was writing, I gave it up for a while. I came back to it this summer, out of boredom mostly, but with a new attitude. I really want this blog to be a fun thing; I think one of my biggest problems at the start was that I was taking it too seriously. Now, the less I stress about it, the more fun it becomes, and the more I want to write. It feels so good to do something for myself, without need for validation. I don't really edit my posts anymore, and I write things in the moment. Of course I want to keep things moving and have people read what I write, but I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm trying not to force myself into a box with what I'm writing, and I feel pretty good so far — I'm only writing about things that I want to talk about and I'm proud of where this is blog is going. I feel like it's one of truest reflections of who I am in this moment, and I really hope it grows with me.
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