Girl of Color

some thoughts on some things

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Some poems my phone and I wrote.







Ever since I was young, I have loved to read. I finished multiple books each week. As I've gotten older, I've had less time to read, but still, there are certain books that have lived in me over the years. While I've read far more wonderful books than the handful in this list, these are a few that made me who I am in one way or another.

The Idiot by Elif Batuman

I'm gonna be honest, this book is a drag, the first half especially. Although it is long-winded, I think it's definitely worth reading if you have even the slightest interest in inter- and intrapersonal relationships. This book had several stunning lines that reminded me that everyone thinks they're the protagonist of their story — or, at the very least, an object of pity. 

Startup by Doree Shafrir

This is a much easier book than The Idiot, and I haven't read anything like this in ages. I read this in the summer of 2017 and I raced through it. It had been forever since I'd been desperate to continue reading, to turn the page and find out what happens next. The themes of this book are heavy, but the delivery is funny and warm, and as cheesy as that sounds I've come to realize that's how most things in life are. 

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

Oh my, this book's a real kicker. I cried so much reading this book, and while that's not uncommon for me, I found myself crying rare rivers of frustration. It has completely revolutionized my view of the world and of the justice system. It's prompted several donations and long conversations and I think that's exactly what a good non-fiction should do. 

My Name is Bilal by Asma Mobin-Uddin

My parents read this book to me as child, and I definitely intend to share this book with any and all children in my life. It speaks directly about identity crisis and then conviction as an American Muslim. I can't imagine this ever being irrelevant to any minority communities in the United States. 

Wild by Cheryl Strayed

This is the book you need to read when you need a revolution in your life. Unlike most of the books on this list, I've only read this book once, but it has truly, truly stuck with me. I read this for the first time while drowning in everyday stresses and it opened my eyes to the absolute triviality of pointless panic. 

Yaqui Delgado Wants to Kick Your Ass by Meg Medina

I originally read this novel only because the author came to speak at our school. She was captivating and made her book sound decent at the very least. Yaqui Delgado showed me the multitude of ways in which all people of color are the same, and that's a lesson that has timelessly served to save me over the past couple years. 

Does My Head Look Big in This? by Randa Abdel-Fattah 

I have read this book more times than I can count. Truth be told, it is not even written well; it's a strange time capsule from the early 2000s. Despite that, it touches me every time I pick it up — there is something so comforting about Muslim, hijabi protagonists whose problems are on the basic level the same as mine. 

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

This book was one of the first to really open my mind to the heartbreak that exists not only in the world, but in good writing. It's dry and cold, but that's exactly what it's supposed to be. It should be required that everyone read something that talks about something taboo —whether it be eating disorders, drugs, sex — because it makes you far more empathetic than you thought possible. 

The Junie B. Jones series by Barbara Park


These are a classic and an obvious favorite. This series is what interested me in reading in the first place, and for that, I'm forever grateful to Barbara Park. 


     Technically, I still have a day to go until I turn seventeen, but I feel like I'm close enough to my birthday to reflect on some of the most valuable things I've learned over the past seventeen years, and I hope to be able to reflect on my life another seventeen years from now as well.

  1. Your body is much more than something to be sexualized. A few months ago, I was lucky enough to watch a woman give birth, and it truly solidified the truth that lies in the magic of the human body. 
  2. Not everyone is your best friend, so don't expect undying devotion in return for all your aching. (And you are not defined by the people who do not love you.)
  3. You will never get anything out of being unkind to people; I have never looked back and wished I had been less kind to people, but I do wish often that I had really done more to be good to people. 
  4. But, on that note, you also have to prioritize who to be kind to. I used to think that it was unkind to call out people who said inappropriate things, but I have over the past 14 months come to realize that I am doing a great injustice and unkindness towards people I love when I fail to reprimand sexism, homophobia, or racism. 
  5. You have to take care of yourself first. Nobody benefits from being saved by a lifeguard who can barely stay afloat themselves. 
  6. The truth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off — let yourself be angry, and then make a change.
  7. Only you can feel what you feel; don't try to prove your feelings to anybody else, your feelings are real simply because you feel them.
  8. Some people just will not respect you, so don't try to please them in any way. Don't force yourself to be any quieter, louder, more or less intelligent, chill, or blind in the hopes that you will finally appease someone, because you won't.
  9. Sometimes cutting people out is not the way to go. Everyone messes up and more often than not they deserve a second chance.
  10. Travel keeps you sane.
  11. "There is no boy at this age that is cute enough or interesting enough to stop you from getting your education"
  12. You are not your weight/your GPA/your followers; you are not a number
  13. Change is okay and should be fostered, not shamed
  14. Make the most of what you have; you'll look back and wish you still had it
  15. Value your time enough not to waste precious moments on things you hate
  16. Don't invest your entire being into one person/hobby/thing; it's never not lead to heartache
  17. Si vis amari, ama. (if you wish to be loved, love.)


January 15, 2000

Your parents hold an angel baby boy for the first time; you scream your guts out

I am still a star in the sky, in parents' eyes

January 15, 2001

I slip into the world like the silver moon on a winter night; my grandmother gives me a name and I am the most me I will ever be

You turn a year old, but you could pass for three

January 15, 2002

You don't listen when your parents tell you "stop that!" 
You get time-outs

I've already been speaking for months; I can talk to anyone about anything

January 15, 2003

I am two, but not too terrible

Your parents wonder when you'll finally grow out of this stage

January 15, 2004

You take pictures with cake on your face. Your grandparents fall in love with you. 

I get a Buzz Lightyear toy and go to Chuck E. Cheese. My cousin taught me how to count to 20. 

January 15, 2005

I get to stand on a chair in class while everyone sings "Happy Birthday"

You were hoping for snow. The roads are clear

January 15, 2006

You get a Gameboy

I am one of fifth of the way to being twenty-five; I feel it

January 15, 2007

I get a new dress

Your mom brings cupcakes to class. They're chocolate, so you don't take a single bite

January 15, 2008

Second grade means birthday parties

I've recently become a big sister for the second time. I'm so grown I can't hold it in my tiny body

January 15, 2009

I feel magical, inside and out

You're half way to being an adult

January 15, 2010

You watch a new movie — it's gory

I go out to dinner with my family

January 15, 2011

I have a birthday party, but I tore my stomach lining and can't eat anything

You get a new jersey for your birthday 

January 15, 2012

Whether or not the Mayans were right, you can feel the world ending

I don't know who I am, but I'm ready to find her

January 15, 2013

I'm nearly a woman

You think drinking makes you a man

January 15, 2014

You smoke pot for the first time

I want to be a star again

January 15, 2015

I have only just fallen in love for the first time — with myself, with life, with my family, with a boy who touched my heart

In high school, you realize it's easier to be hungover than sober on your birthday

January 15, 2016

You play hooky; your girlfriend comes over that night

I don't know who you are and I have yet to realize that I wish I never would

January 15, 2017

You go out with your friends

I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about us being connected in any way

January 15, 2018

I am taking back my life


You have a storm coming your way


  1. Write once a week
  2. Use my phone less
  3. Eat better
  4. Record more videos (there is nothing more magical than hearing the voices of people whom you love)
  5. Be more careful with my heart (just because love lives inside me doesn't mean people who have done nothing to deserve it should hold it in their hands)
  6. Don't withhold any ounce of kindness within me
  7. Make people a priority — talk to everybody more


     In light of my horrendous October, I have come to realize just how much I appreciate women everywhere. So, this is a shoutout to girl who birthed me, the girls who raised me, and every girl in between.
     To my mother who birthed me, without knowing who I was or who I was to become. Who loves me when she knows nothing about me, and loves me still when she knows everything. Who doesn’t know everything, but never pretends to either. Who didn’t do everything right, but does everything with love. Whose heart I have stupidly shattered over and over again, but does not let that shrewd her openness. To my mother who I have too often not treated the way she deserved, I love you and the love you have for me from the pits of myself, and I have since before I was me and before I even knew there was a me to be.
     To the girls who made me: whether it be through kindness or intellect, you live in me. From the girls who asked me where I got my jeans from to the girls who wrapped and arm around me and held me to their chests, heaving, breasts buoys as we rocked in saltwater tears.
     To the girls in Amsterdam, who ignited a spark in me that I’d been blowing out since kindergarten; the fire flared in the city and then burnt out again once I left, a strange explosion that charred me inside and out, but it again flickers steadily inside my chest. I don’t know if I will ever see you again, but you are in me. You reached inside me and turned me inside out, wet clay twisting gently in your soft hands.
     To my best friend, who taught me what it means to have a real friend, and to be one as well. Who taught me how to think and how to breathe. Who listens to me when I call her, answers the phone to my sobbing. Who works harder than almost anyone I know, and yet stays humble. Who understands how I work, how my family works, and slots herself in seamlessly. I’m sorry for everyone who doesn’t know you, who can’t let your love into their lives.
     To the girls who chatted with me at Sunday School, normal and easy in a way that is foreign to foreigners. You were better than me, and mostly still are, but never let me feel it. When faithlessness crept into my heart, you never let me feel it; I love God because He is God, but I love you because you helped me find God on my own terms.
     To my cousin, who felt the same anguishes I did, but came out funnier and kinder. You’re a light in my life certainly, but a light to others as well. Thanks for showing me how to paint my face in makeup and not bat a beautifully curled eyelash no matter what anyone else says.
     To the girls who are a little bit older than me, and certainly wiser, too. I am forever grateful that you took me under your wing and never grew annoyed with my naïveté masked in confidence. The knowledge you imparted on me is not wasted, I promise. Thanks for reminding me boys ain’t s***. You were right. You are the embodiment of not dumbing yourself down, even when it seems inconsequential, for the approval of any man.
      To the girls who have taught me anything, you have taught me everything. I am ridiculously lucky to be alive at the same time as so many wonderful women, and thankful for the work women of the past have done for us, and I am achingly hopeful for the women who are still to be birthed, to be brought into the world without the plastic encasings of shame and injustice. Be a friend; it costs nothing to support your local girl gangs.


Dear New York,

     I haven't known you very long, but I think what we have is special. I've only felt this way once before; I can see myself with you — not just in the moment, but in the future, too. 
     And I know you probably don't trust me, I told you the same thing years ago, but things were different then; I think I owe you an explanation. I didn't even love myself. You were too loud and too bright and you made my head spin. You held me in your embrace and I tasted metal. Sharp blades split my skin and I used to think you were throwing them, but I realize now that they came from inside myself. I bled on my sheets and on your streets and thought I was going to pass out. So I left, bitter and suffocating. 
    Years passed, and we didn't speak. I still resented you, and I'm sorry; it wasn't your fault. I fell in love with other cities, but the distance grew too much. 
    This past summer however, I felt like I was suffocating. Nothing was right. I felt empty, but somehow not hollow, it was like being filled wth pressurized air, my chest ready to burst. Nothing was bad per say, but nothing was good either. I missed you. I thought I'd rather feel people pressing against me on the sidewalk than my own four walls pushing in closer. 
    So I changed my clothes and my makeup and made the drive up to you. I walked around city blocks and looked up. You were hot, but I didn't sweat. I found myself somehow unable to choke out any English; I consumed by the foreign feeling of home, mother tongues everywhere. I was probably never going to see any of these people ever again and that made me love them even more. I wanted to paint with them, dance with them, inhale the smoke they breathed out of their chimney mouths. 
    You were dirty and loud, but you felt like my own. You wrapped me up in your embrace and finally I could breathe. You were supposed to be a weekend getaway, a summer fling, but somehow you consumed me. Months later, I lie in bed at night and think of you. I was ready years ago, but I'm ready now. I'm coming back for you, please leave a space in your heart for me. 

Love always,


Mariam Qureshi
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