Archive for July 2017

I can clearly remember the first time I curled my eyelashes; I stood in front of the mirror of my cousin's vanity as she coaxed me to just press the eyelash curler against my lashes. I did. And I was stunned, my normally so-straight-they-grow-down eyelashes had curved all the way up and brushed against my eyebrow; I was reminded of their presence every time I blinked.

Before then, I hadn't ever put on makeup other than a little bit of eyeliner or lipstick for a wedding. I was fourteen when I first curled my eyelashes, and from there my infatuation with makeup grew. It started off with just mascara, and then lipstick, eyeshadow, concealer, and so on. But even then, makeup was only for special occasions.

I had just turned fifteen when I first wore makeup to school; it was just mascara. I think for a lot of people, at least that I know, fifteen is quite late to have just started out with makeup, but for me, I'm so glad that I started when I did. At the time, I felt really, really good in my own skin, so makeup was just what it was meant to be; an embellishment. I was just wearing it because I wanted to, and only when I wanted to.

But, as time went on, things turned slightly sour. This past school year was the first time I wore makeup every single day. And honestly, for the most part, I really enjoyed it — mostly because I love the routine feeling of getting ready. Except when I didn't. There were some days, usually after having stayed up until 5 am to study for chem, when the thought of caking makeup all over my face made me cringe, and yet I did it anyway.

I'm a big believer in dressing to impress, and I'd carried that into my makeup habits, too. I was so afraid of running into someone I cared about (or told myself I didn't care about) without makeup, that I made sure to have it on at all times. The difference between dressing nicely and having nice makeup at all times is that dressing nicely has never felt like a chore to me. There's no problem with wearing makeup all the time, but there is one with forcing yourself to because you feel like you have to.

Still, I made it through the entire school year without resenting makeup. It wasn't until the summer started that I noticed that perhaps my relationship with makeup was not the healthiest. I made plans with a close friend, and as I got dressed, I realized that the thought of putting on makeup was actually making me cringe. I wanted nothing more than to leave my face bare, but I also felt obligated to put on makeup. I honestly can't tell you why, because this friend would not care even the slightest if my eyelashes had been straight or if my lips weren't painted with lipstick. I put it on anyway, and it felt so gross. I spent the entire time more concerned with how much I regretted putting on all this makeup than appreciating the company of a really good friend.

This is of course a slightly more traumatic way of deciding to wear less makeup, but I don't think I would've made the change if I hadn't been incredibly uncomfortable. So, since that day, I've taken a couple weeks makeup-detox. I still wear makeup to parties, and dinners, and such, just because I'm personally not comfortable going to those kinds of events bare-faced, but other than that I haven't worn makeup in about three weeks. It feels so wonderful to see friends and go to the grocery store and just drive without putting on makeup. I still love it, but I think this'll be good for me. I haven't boycotted it; if I have a spot or if my face looks dull, I'll still put on concealer or blush. The difference is just that in these cases I want to, I don't feel like I need to. However, the one thing I still do nearly every day without fail is curl my eyelashes — I really think that makes the biggest difference.

I'm warning you right now, this will mostly be a stream-of-consciousness post, so I'm apologizing in advance for any typos or misstatements I might make. That being said, I feel like this is something I have a lot to say about.

Over the past year or so, I've been doing a thorough analysis of the kinds of people I like, and as an archetype it would be "Talented, But Sad, Narcissistic Golden-Child," and that sounds wildly specific, but it's wildly accurate for me in nearly every case. Basically, this person is someone who is either really smart, or really funny, but they're also ridiculously cocky about it (even though it's usually ended up being false confidence). I'm not gonna pretend that I when I was around these people I didn't know that they were problematic and they just sprung it on me; I always knew. And that's why I liked them, which is part of my problem. I always, always, always go after people who I think I should "fix." This is entirely my own fault, and I know it's wrong to treat people like projects, or to "fix" them if they don't want your help. You can't force anyone to become somebody else, but you can avoid getting involved with someone who is really just not gonna be good for you.

So I think to start, we need to identify how you know if this person is someone who isn't all that into you. I think Lucy Moon did a great video on this (you can see it here) but here's my own little guide to it:

they don't make an effort to contact you first
or if they do, it's only in the middle of the night (this screams booty call, so get out)
they haven't told you anything substantial about themself
they treat you differently depending on whether or not there are other people around
they flirt with everyone (but aren't exclusive with anyone).

This isn't a comprehensive guide or anything, but it's been pretty accurate in my experience.

Something that needs to be made really clear is that emotional distance is not romantic, and you can't force anyone to love you. I'm guilty of doing this a lot, and some of the things I do I didn't even realize were problematic until I watched Skam (which if you haven't seen, you can watch it here.) I see a lot of my behavior mirrored in Vilde as she pines over William. I know that she's quite a controversial character, but I feel sorry for her, if only because I relate to her. Vilde gets involved with the most aloof boy in the entire school, he dumps her after they sleep together, and she then desperately chases his affection. The whole time she knows that he does not love her, but still she holds onto the hope that deep down he actually cares, and does everything she can to make him want her, including starving herself. She convinces herself that his emotional vacancy is not just him being a jerk, it's the byproduct of a tragic backstory (spoiler alert: it's not, he's just not into her).

If this sounds messed up, it's because it is, and yet, we do this constantly. And I'm not exactly sure how to stop, I think the best thing we can do is to just stop surrounding ourselves with people who aren't interested in who we are, and stop trying to convince people to love us. It's hard, but I think we'll all be happier once we understand that if someone wants to love you, they will, and if they want to talk to you, they will; people make it very clear when they care about you. Also, just keep in mind that it's not your responsibility to save someone who isn't giving you the time of day, always be kind, but you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It's important to know your worth, and I'll tell you this much: you are worth more than a 3 AM "you up?" text.

If you're about to start high school, you'll most likely hear —and have already heard— a lot of crappy, useless information. This might be just some more crappy, useless information, but these are things I wish someone had told me (or that I'd listened to) freshman year.

Your value should not be based on your grades. This one is as much for myself as anyone else, but it's probably one of the most important things you could ever understand. Your value comes from what kind of person you are, not how well you test. This doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard in school, it just means that a B+ (or even a D-) does not define you; your grades will never be a reflection of how kind you are, or how humble, or really even how intelligent you are. And if you're trying, be kind to yourself. Work on being a good person first, and then a good student.

Don't waste your time falling in love with seniors. This is probably the hardest piece of advice to follow, because it's so easy to want to believe that you're special and this means something, even if everyone else is telling you that it absolutely doesn't. Trust me, it probably doesn't. And I know that saying this isn't gonna make you believe it, because I didn't either, but as a girl, I feel obligated to pass on this knowledge to other girls. This person, whoever it may be, is almost certainly in a different headspace than you; they're a year away from university, and it's important to remember you're only a year out from middle school. This is the perfect recipe for either one-sided pining, or some kind of most-likely problematic reciprocation, at least at this point in your life. Of course, there are exceptions, or maybe in a couple years when you're both in the same place in life this could work (but please don't take this as advice to wait, or convince yourself that you guys are an exception if you're not). This is really hard and harsh-sounding advice to give, but I promise you it's not worth it to waste your time on someone who doesn't want you the same way you want them.

Never feel obligated to wear makeup. It's your face, and you can have it look however you want. If you want to put on makeup, by all means do it. But don't ever feel that you have to, because makeup is a bonus little embellishment, not an inherent part of getting ready or being "put together."

Be kind. This is the easiest tip I could give you; invite people to sit with you, compliment people, hold doors open, volunteer. Overall, just don't be a jerk. It could make someone's day, and it'll definitely make yours.

You'll be stressed, but don't let it consume you. The fact of the matter is that if you're doing what you're supposed to, you're gonna have a lot of work to do. And it'll be so tempting to just cry and worry about all the work you have to do, as opposed to just doing it and moving on. I'm telling you right now, you'll have to do it, so you might as well just get it over with. Don't let the stress of it take over your life; make sure you eat, and sleep, and spend some time with people you love.

Socialize. This one kind of ties into the last one, but don't let homework and clubs become your entire life. Make sure you have time to spend with your friends and family. Even if you have work to do, try to go out, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will still get your work done — taking three hours out of your weekend to spend time with your family and friends will not kill you. Spend the time you would've spent worrying about how you'll get your work done if you go out actually going out. I'm not telling you to go to dances or movies or parties instead of studying, I'm just letting you know that you can do both. Also try to get your homework done on Friday nights (it's not bad once you get into the habit, I promise) so that you can spend the rest of the weekend with friends and family.

Have a hobby. This is pretty much vital. Like I said before, you will get stressed. And personally, I'm really great at turning everything into work, so for me it's really important to have one thing that I enjoy that has absolutely no relation to school. For me that's writing (but it can't be an essay or story for class), for someone else it might be art (but it shouldn't be part of an art class homework assignment), or music (but it's not practicing for a school concert). It could be literally anything, but I recommend keeping it separate from school, so you can keep work and play separate, rather than pooling them together and having just some muddled school projects.

And lastly, it's okay to change. Maybe you're like me and you hate change, but even in that case it will happen. You might be a completely different person than you were a couple years ago, and that's really fine. It's possible that you won't be friends with the same people, or want to dress the same as you used to, or be into the same things you used to. Again, it's fine, because change is normal and good, and once you let yourself fully become who you are in this moment, you'll feel so much better.

I have come to realize that my makeup routine in the summer is really quite different from how I do my makeup the rest of the year, but I've discovered some things that have made doing my makeup particularly pleasant this summer, and I will most likely be carrying at least some of this into the rest of the year.

First, I have one of the Eco Tools sponges. I have only recently started using sponges to apply my makeup, but I like how natural it makes everything look, as it ends up a little sheered out. The sponges come in a set, this one, and a larger teal colored sponge. They're both really nice quality and were under twelve dollars, so I would definitely recommend them if you're not into spending twenty dollars on a Beauty Blender.

So, moving on, I've been using the NARS Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer for a while now and I am absolutely in love with it. The shade I bought (Alaska) matches me perfectly and I can't think of anything bad to say about this. It smells nice, has a dewy finish, has light (but not sheer) coverage, and doesn't dry out my skin in the slightest bit. Yes, it's ridiculously expensive for a tinted moisturizer, but I think it's so worth it. That being said, I'm quite upset that I cannot repurchase this as I have learned that NARS has changed its animal testing policies and is no longer cruelty free. If the company ever goes back to being cruelty free, I will gladly come crawling back to this product, but in the mean time, I'll be on the hunt for something new.

Next, is the Lush Aqua Marina cleanser. I've been using this for a few months now, and I've really enjoyed it. It's a squishy pink-colored cleanser with little bits of seaweed in it, but it's so gentle. I have really sensitive and dry skin, and this doesn't irritate in the slightest. It doesn't do any kind of exfoliating or brightening or anything, but it's a really love basic cleanser and I would definitely recommend it for sensitive skin. The only thing that annoys me a little bit about this is the pieces of seaweed, as they don't do much besides get caught in the sink, however it's not really a big enough issue for me to not repurchase the cleanser.

Another beauty thing I've purchased recently is the Essie nail polish in the shade Chillato. It's a pale lime-y color and I'm so into it — if you couldn't tell by this post's theme. I never really thought I'd be into a color like this, but it's so pretty and not at all warm-toned like most yellowish polishes.

Lastly, I have the Bare Minerals lipstick in the shade Heaven. This isn't a new purchase, but I've recently found a new use for it; blush. Especially in the summer I've been very into the look of highlighted cheeks, and using a cream product helps do that without adding shimmer. So, I've been using either this, or any other non-matte lipstick, as blush for the past month or so and I'm obsessed. I'm actually so upset that I didn't discover lipstick-as-blush sooner because I love the natural look it gives.

That's all I've been super into for summer, but I might be doing this as a series for each season!

Within the past three months, I've been able to see almost all of my extended family and it's been the most wonderful and simultaneously heartbreaking thing on the planet. Over spring break we went to Pakistan where I got to see my aunt, both sets of grandparents, cousins, and another aunt whom I hadn't seen in nine years. I'd gone there before, and met all these people before, but somehow this trip stuck with me in a way that no other had. I really spoke to my family and heard what they had to say and learned new things about them. I felt a kind of appreciation and longing for them that I hadn't before. And the whole time I was there was lovely, but leaving was absolutely crap. I cried the entire forty-five minute drive to the airport and then once again on the airplane. This again, I'd done many, many times before, and yet there was a kind of sorrow that I felt that was more than just disappointment at the end of a good thing, but an ache for something I hadn't realized I was missing; the comfortable feeling of an extended family.
When I got back, I wasn't sure whether I'd just come home, or left it.
But, as with all things, I got mostly over it. I got back into the routine of school and other time-fillers and that yearning for family dulled again. I spoke to my family when my parents FaceTimed them but didn't go out of my way to communicate with anyone.
Then, last week we visited my aunt and uncle and cousins who live in the suburbs outside of Chicago. We get to see them between 2-3 times a year for a week typically, and it's always the most fun, exciting week. This past week was no different. We didn't do anything wild or extraordinary; we just talked and laughed late into the night, made midnight runs to pharmacies and McDonald's, and just were. There is something so magical about the comfort of mundane activities with those you love. The more stupid daily things we did, the more I wished that these were just stupid things we did daily rather than a few times a year. There was such a homey feeling about the entire trip. Again, when I got back, it felt like I had just left home rather than come back to it.
Along with that, I also felt envious of people whose families lived near them. Those people got to see their families whenever they wanted and could do all these everyday things with them, let alone the more exciting things like attending a family member's championship game or graduation or housewarming. The jealousy has subsided — it's not anybody else's fault that my family lives faraway, but the ache is still there.
Through these two trips I think I've realized what home really means to me. For the longest time, I thought of NOVA as the only place that could ever feel like home. I've never wanted to leave; all my friends and everything I've ever needed are here. We have close family friends who we see on special occasions; people we celebrate and mourn with. Our community is a cosmopolitan, metropolitan area where you see people from every single group you could possibly think of. There are amenities like pharmacies and nice grocery stores and foreign shops and libraries and nationally ranked schools and places of worship within five minutes of our neighborhood. Things here are clean and nice to look at. Physically, there is nothing missing from where we live. But, as I've come to realize, home is not nearly as much a tangible thing as it is a feeling.
Coming home is easy, it's a weight lifted off your shoulders, a warmth in your bones, and a rejuvenation of your heart. It doesn't matter that where I live has more amenities than where the rest of my family lives, I want to be with them more than I want to be within walking distance of a library or Target. There is a kind of carefree, obligation-less love that comes from family (whether it be blood-related or not) that I've found to be absent in far too many relationships I have. This is not something that came about suddenly, it has been like this for almost my entire life, but it's as if just realized that I'm missing something so deeply.
And so, I've been wondering recently, am I really truly home?

How are you? I hope you're doing well. Maybe you're singing right now, or at work, or in an airplane. I wonder what your taste in music is like, and what movies you like to watch, and how shaken you are by turbulence. Perhaps I'll find out soon; or maybe not for ten years.
I've pictured you a hundred different ways, but maybe they're all wrong. Maybe we've seen each other and I just haven't known it. Maybe you're with someone else right now; I really and truly hope you're enjoying it. I might've held the door open for you, or sat beside you in class, or brushed past you at the mall. But then again, perhaps we've never met.
In that case, I'll tell you a little bit about me. You don't need to know a whole lot, because I'm sure I'll have told you the rest. I don't really know what I want right now; I'm not sure what I want to major in, or who I want to be, or where I want to work, or even exactly what I want to do with my room. I'm trying to learn as much about myself and the world as I can. All I know is that I'm happy right now, and I want to keep being happy, even if — or perhaps, especially if it means changing things that aren't working.
Like I said, I'm not sure exactly who I want to be or who I will be, but I do have some hopes for you. I don't care so much about where you're from, or what your accent is like, or what your last name is. But I hope you're intelligent — maybe you've read more books than I have, or watched a million documentaries, or lived a life entirely different to mine; in any case, I'd like to learn something from you. I hope you're whole, so we can be two wholes rather than two halves; maybe you're not there yet, but I believe you're working on it, and so am I. I hope you're passionate and hardworking; I hate when people do things halfheartedly. I hope my family likes you; I want my brothers and best friends to like hanging out with you, and for my parents know you're a good guy. Most of all though, I hope you're kind. I hope you're empathetic. I hope you understand other people's stories even when you can't relate. I hope you're good to people; even when they're not good to you. I hope you know when you're wrong and say sorry when you are. I hope you hold doors open and thank the waiter. I hope you give charity and stand up for what's right. I hope you're compassionate. I hope you love deeply and infinitely, at the basic human level and beyond. I hope you have faith and pass it along to others, too. I hope you're gentle with me, and just as much so with yourself.
Wherever and whoever you are, I love you.

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